BUDDHIST ESSAY January 2010
After a life marked by inadequacy and drug addiction I ended up in a California prison doing a term of Life Without Possibility of Parole (LWOP). At first I thought it was just a euphemism for a very long sentence, but no, LWOP mean you will be incarcerated until you die. It took me a while to come to terms with this but as anything in life, one gets used to the idea, I was 28 years old then.
Once in the penitentiary, it took me a few months to adapt to the prison environment, I was fortunate and didn’t have any major inconvenience, I got my first job in the Education Department as a teacher’s aid in English as a Second Language (ESL) class at Old Folsom State Prison. In those years inmates had the opportunity to take college classes. Professors from the Sacramento and American Colleges were allowed to enter the prison grounds, the classrooms had pretty much the set up and the feel of a regular college class, and the curriculum was the same. One could immerse oneself in a subject and escape prison of the duration of a lecture or test. Many of us took full advantage of the college program. I in turn taught ESL to my fellow inmates, I thought it was fair arrangement and I did it with pressure and efficiency, grateful of the opportunity.
Contrary to expectation, many of my ESL students actually started learning English, for it should be mentioned that forced educational programs in prison are not know for their effectiveness – their lack of success has to do with involuntary assignments to a determinate education or vocational program, a misguided rebellious attitude, depression, or simple apathy of students and teachers.
A Philosophy 101 class was of particular interest to me. I remember well an assignment which main question was: “what is underlying reality?” One day the teacher of my ESL class saw me struggling with it, and we talked about it for a while. He was well versed in Western philosophy, and also familiar with a fascinating new to me system, Eastern philosophy that I thought very insightful. Next day, he brought me the Dharmaphada and the Bagavad Gita. That was turning point in my life and the beginning of my interest in Buddhism. This new conception of reality, the self, cognition and experience sparked an interest in cultivating the spiritual part of me a part that, at that time, I considered non-existent.
Some twenty-one years later I understand a little better, and have a different conception of life; some insight has arisen and with it different priorities and interests. The change developed into a different way of life, to think and act, to relate to others, to understand experience. Not that I have become a saint, not even a nice guy, but I try not to harm anyone, give a little when I can, and help a little when I can , I actually care. It is good to read about the four noble truths, noble eight-fold path, d dependent origination, emptiness oneness, and all those sutras full of wisdom. It is good to practice , meditate be mindful, be aware of the precepts, the perfections, the intricate workings of the mind so well analyzed in the Abhidharma but all these will not change you without persistence, patience, effort, conviction, and the unfathomable workings of karma. For me a little change has come imperceptibly slowly, the development of consciousness has its own timetable; it can no be rushed. Understanding is something that can not be put into words; it expresses itself into actions, in attitudes. There is a long, long uphill road ahead, it is not easy to climb the crystal mountain, but now I walk with joy, less angry, less fearful, with a little ease, a little peace, walking just for the walking just for the walking, watching the Dharma parade.
Enlightenment is too far to even be an aspiration, Nirvana an unattainable goal, but here I am , facing in that direction but going nowhere, and that is all right. When you follow the North star it does not mean you are going to get anywhere, it only means that you want to go north. I love the “Do it yourself” aspect of salvation to work, to analyze, to think, and you are not asked to believe anything. At first, the self-reliant, humanistic conception of the spiritual life was foreign to me. I think here in the west we are so influenced with Theism that we automatically associate the destiny of the spirit with a higher entity, a personality outside of us, other power. The more I learned, the more the Buddhist system made sense to me, it construction was so logic, so reasonable, the experimental nature of its practices were the bases of the conviction necessary to fuel the pursue; blind, uncontested faith was not a requirement.
Some times I think about my life, the events and circumstances, the experiences and my responses to them, my decisions and the consequent actions that led me where I am. I regret much of my actions, and suffer when my mind escapes to the memories of the pain I have caused, the tear that have been shed because of me, the sorrow, the pain that my foot prints have left on this earth.
One day, not long ago, I received a letter from a very dear lady-friend, she nurtured and supported me in my teenage years, a second mother to me, someone from whom I received nothing but kindness and yet I wronged. She wrote, “ let go of your guilt, all guilt is a burden, set your self free from remorse and learn to love. Whatever you do, do it with love and everything will be right, and you will be happy. Think not of the past, you can not change it, or the future because it is not here yet. Live in the present. Thank God for all you have: the sunrise, a gentle breeze, and your health. Set daily goals you will see that it’s not hard. There are only 24 hours in a day. You can do much for yourself and by doing it you will be doing much for others. Encourage the ones around you, comfort them, and love them. Everything you give will return to you a thousand fold. Loneliness ceases being misfortune if we use it for our own good and the good of others…..
After twenty-three years in prison, I am not gentle or kind. And surrounded by others that, like me, think that in order to survive on e has to project tough image, show no weaknesses like concern for others, simple courtesy, a smile. A life of antagonism and confrontation, always attacking or defending, selfish, ill willed, suspicious. An existence where the prevailing forces are greed, hatred, and fear. We dwell in the barren, hot, thorny, and unpleasant landscape of prison.
Yet once in a while the light of love shines through clouds of hatred, a few words make you realize that we are not that different one from another, that the underlying experience of existence is pretty much the same for all of us, that despite different beliefs and paths all the roads lead to Rome, love one another, be kind; abandon selfishness, abandon greed. Why to do it? Really does not matter. Let it be called a command from God, or for some of us perhaps is better to say that the self does not exist in the first place, all is empty, it is natural. Reasons aside, this world will be a better place if we could love me another a little more, help a little , give a little , smile a little. And so with a heart full of gratitude, I must bow deeply before those who make this world a little better, our Buddhist sponsors, the people and circumstances that make their coming to prison possible, I think they feel as if they were watering trees. We are unmovable, they come to us with the soothing words of Dharma, the greatest treasure and watching us grow and flourish is their only reward. They don’t ask for anything but I think it would be nice if at least we could share the shade that thanks to them we can produce. I must thank so many people whose kindness have touch me, the lady that wrote me, she made me realize that there is not much difference between Christians, Muslims, Buddhists and if we are to come together in oneness, we first must understand that the pursuit is the same, heaven, paradise, nirvana, all the same.
Once in the penitentiary, it took me a few months to adapt to the prison environment, I was fortunate and didn’t have any major inconvenience, I got my first job in the Education Department as a teacher’s aid in English as a Second Language (ESL) class at Old Folsom State Prison. In those years inmates had the opportunity to take college classes. Professors from the Sacramento and American Colleges were allowed to enter the prison grounds, the classrooms had pretty much the set up and the feel of a regular college class, and the curriculum was the same. One could immerse oneself in a subject and escape prison of the duration of a lecture or test. Many of us took full advantage of the college program. I in turn taught ESL to my fellow inmates, I thought it was fair arrangement and I did it with pressure and efficiency, grateful of the opportunity.
Contrary to expectation, many of my ESL students actually started learning English, for it should be mentioned that forced educational programs in prison are not know for their effectiveness – their lack of success has to do with involuntary assignments to a determinate education or vocational program, a misguided rebellious attitude, depression, or simple apathy of students and teachers.
A Philosophy 101 class was of particular interest to me. I remember well an assignment which main question was: “what is underlying reality?” One day the teacher of my ESL class saw me struggling with it, and we talked about it for a while. He was well versed in Western philosophy, and also familiar with a fascinating new to me system, Eastern philosophy that I thought very insightful. Next day, he brought me the Dharmaphada and the Bagavad Gita. That was turning point in my life and the beginning of my interest in Buddhism. This new conception of reality, the self, cognition and experience sparked an interest in cultivating the spiritual part of me a part that, at that time, I considered non-existent.
Some twenty-one years later I understand a little better, and have a different conception of life; some insight has arisen and with it different priorities and interests. The change developed into a different way of life, to think and act, to relate to others, to understand experience. Not that I have become a saint, not even a nice guy, but I try not to harm anyone, give a little when I can, and help a little when I can , I actually care. It is good to read about the four noble truths, noble eight-fold path, d dependent origination, emptiness oneness, and all those sutras full of wisdom. It is good to practice , meditate be mindful, be aware of the precepts, the perfections, the intricate workings of the mind so well analyzed in the Abhidharma but all these will not change you without persistence, patience, effort, conviction, and the unfathomable workings of karma. For me a little change has come imperceptibly slowly, the development of consciousness has its own timetable; it can no be rushed. Understanding is something that can not be put into words; it expresses itself into actions, in attitudes. There is a long, long uphill road ahead, it is not easy to climb the crystal mountain, but now I walk with joy, less angry, less fearful, with a little ease, a little peace, walking just for the walking just for the walking, watching the Dharma parade.
Enlightenment is too far to even be an aspiration, Nirvana an unattainable goal, but here I am , facing in that direction but going nowhere, and that is all right. When you follow the North star it does not mean you are going to get anywhere, it only means that you want to go north. I love the “Do it yourself” aspect of salvation to work, to analyze, to think, and you are not asked to believe anything. At first, the self-reliant, humanistic conception of the spiritual life was foreign to me. I think here in the west we are so influenced with Theism that we automatically associate the destiny of the spirit with a higher entity, a personality outside of us, other power. The more I learned, the more the Buddhist system made sense to me, it construction was so logic, so reasonable, the experimental nature of its practices were the bases of the conviction necessary to fuel the pursue; blind, uncontested faith was not a requirement.
Some times I think about my life, the events and circumstances, the experiences and my responses to them, my decisions and the consequent actions that led me where I am. I regret much of my actions, and suffer when my mind escapes to the memories of the pain I have caused, the tear that have been shed because of me, the sorrow, the pain that my foot prints have left on this earth.
One day, not long ago, I received a letter from a very dear lady-friend, she nurtured and supported me in my teenage years, a second mother to me, someone from whom I received nothing but kindness and yet I wronged. She wrote, “ let go of your guilt, all guilt is a burden, set your self free from remorse and learn to love. Whatever you do, do it with love and everything will be right, and you will be happy. Think not of the past, you can not change it, or the future because it is not here yet. Live in the present. Thank God for all you have: the sunrise, a gentle breeze, and your health. Set daily goals you will see that it’s not hard. There are only 24 hours in a day. You can do much for yourself and by doing it you will be doing much for others. Encourage the ones around you, comfort them, and love them. Everything you give will return to you a thousand fold. Loneliness ceases being misfortune if we use it for our own good and the good of others…..
After twenty-three years in prison, I am not gentle or kind. And surrounded by others that, like me, think that in order to survive on e has to project tough image, show no weaknesses like concern for others, simple courtesy, a smile. A life of antagonism and confrontation, always attacking or defending, selfish, ill willed, suspicious. An existence where the prevailing forces are greed, hatred, and fear. We dwell in the barren, hot, thorny, and unpleasant landscape of prison.
Yet once in a while the light of love shines through clouds of hatred, a few words make you realize that we are not that different one from another, that the underlying experience of existence is pretty much the same for all of us, that despite different beliefs and paths all the roads lead to Rome, love one another, be kind; abandon selfishness, abandon greed. Why to do it? Really does not matter. Let it be called a command from God, or for some of us perhaps is better to say that the self does not exist in the first place, all is empty, it is natural. Reasons aside, this world will be a better place if we could love me another a little more, help a little , give a little , smile a little. And so with a heart full of gratitude, I must bow deeply before those who make this world a little better, our Buddhist sponsors, the people and circumstances that make their coming to prison possible, I think they feel as if they were watering trees. We are unmovable, they come to us with the soothing words of Dharma, the greatest treasure and watching us grow and flourish is their only reward. They don’t ask for anything but I think it would be nice if at least we could share the shade that thanks to them we can produce. I must thank so many people whose kindness have touch me, the lady that wrote me, she made me realize that there is not much difference between Christians, Muslims, Buddhists and if we are to come together in oneness, we first must understand that the pursuit is the same, heaven, paradise, nirvana, all the same.
